I was very careful not to blog about or post anything on fb during my step daddy's illness that could be interpreted as sad or depressing. He insisted that we keep our spirits up and I didn't want to whine.
But, I'm real and I have real emotions. My goal with my blog is to remember and highlight what's important in our life. Somedays, it's not a lot of fun or very pretty. But it's real.
This post is for my Hannah. God became very real to her on September 2, 2011. Hannah has been raised in a Christian home and made her own decision to follow Christ at a young age. She's a teenage girl who doesn't always wear her faith on her sleeve. Matter of fact, she's a pretty private person who just wants to blend in.
Here's a note she posted on fb on September 2, 2001 at 2:09 pm. I've copied it exactly as she wrote it. I recognize the spelling and grammar may not be perfect. But's it's her perfect cry from her sweet 13 year old heart and I want to preserve it exactly the way she wrote it:
I'm crying out to God and asking for a miracle. Things aren't going too well, in fact there not doing well at all. I'm on my knees by my bed praying and looking for an answer. Nothings happening. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And most of all, I'm sick and tired of the devil. I don't know what to do. I'm overwelmed in frustration.
God, just help him. Give him a new body. Take away his pain. But Lord, if it's your will, take him up into your arms. Just please take good care of him as he did for all of us. But if it is your will to take him, do it quickly and peacefully. Don't let him linger on in pain. It's hurting everyone, but I can't imagine how bad it's hurting my Grandma.
I didn't cherish all the moments I had with him, and now it's possibly the end of the line. I'm trying to accept it but it's not happening. I don't want things to go on this way. I try to think: it always gets worse before it gets better. But right now, it seems like nothing good will ever happen again, without him.
God, it's your call. I know you'll make the best choice for him. Just take good care of him whether he's here on Earth, or with you in Heaven.
Hannah had already said her good-byes to Ken 48 hours before this post. Ken was in a terrible amount of pain and it was a traumatic experience for my kids to say good-bye. However, after they said their good-byes, we moved Ken to the hospice unit at St Francis. He was so much more comfortable and at peace there. I really wanted my kids to experience this peace so their final memory of Papa Ken would be a good memory. So, our friends brought Hannah and Abi up to spend a couple more hours with Ken, my mom, my sister and her girls.
My girls were so timid about seeing Ken this final time. But once they stepped into the room, they were at total peace. They were able to spend some time talking to Ken, holding his hands and stroking his hair. They could hug him one more time and say a peaceful good-bye. My girls and my young nieces were at such peace with Ken these last couple of hours. It was such a sweet family time for Ken and all his girls. He passed so quietly and peacefully while Hannah was in the room. This was her miracle! She got to experience the most amazing, beautiful passing of her Papa Ken to his eternity with Jesus. All of her fears vanished.
We would have all chosen to spend more hours, days, weeks and months with Ken. But it wasn't our choice to make. As Hannah so eloquently said - God, it's your call. I know you'll make the best choice for him. Just take good care of him whether he's here on Earth, or with you in Heaven.
Hannah had a special connection with her Papa Ken. They shared a very ornery sense of humor. He made her promise to always give him a hug each time she would see him during his last 4 weeks of life. She has never been a hugger and Ken knew it! She went beyond his request and made sure she hugged him at least twice every time she saw him. Her heart was softened through this journey. Her Papa Ken loved her in life and in death.
(This isn't a perfect photo but it shows how much fun Hannah has with her Grandma Susan and Papa Ken. This was Hannah's 13th birthday. She is as passionate about WSU basketball as her grandparents are.)